Does Mediation Allow One Spouse To Dominate The Other

Tim: Hey, there, Tim Blankenship with Divorce661.com. Today, we’re here again with Lisa Scholz, Divorce Mediator and Divorce Coach.

And today we’re talking about Divorce myths. We’re trying to find a topic for today.

And we came across some interesting articles on the myths. And thought it’d be fun to talk about these and kind of demystify these.

Lisa: Yes, that sounds good.

Tim: …these myths. So the first thing that we’re going to talk about, the first one is, we get to our fancy slides here.

Does mediation allow one spouse to dominate the other? The myth was phrased as mediation allows one spouse to dominate another.

Is that a myth? Is that something you’ve heard, come up or how..?

Lisa: Definitely! Especially, since in litigation and with attorneys that is the case.

One will have a stronger attorney or a more expensive attorney or more knowledgeable attorney and the other one will definitely be in a weaker position.

In mediation that is one of the main things that changes. We want this to be in agreement made on level equal ground.

We don’t want one spouse to have the advantage over the other. And sometimes they come in that way.

And then through the mediation process we try to bring everybody up or down or to a middle ground to where everybody is on the same playing field.

And one doesn’t feel like they’re being bullied over. So that’s one of the most important parts of the mediation process.

It’s not allowing one spouse to have the advantage over another spouse.

Tim: So that’s the exact opposite. There isn’t someone with more power or no one is allowed to dominate.

Lisa: No.

Tim: And how do you as a mediator addressed that because I’m sure you’ve come across that?

Lisa: Definitely! The first time we come together is through like when we have the free consultation and both parties are there.

And you’ll allow both of them to speak. You give them each chance to kind of say what they want to say and ask the questions they want to ask.

And as the mediator more like of a facilitator you remind the other party that the other party get the chance to speak and they will have a time to say what they want to say.

Even on the phone, because one party will ultimately call first and then the other party needs to make contact.

And you need to make it clear from the get-go that you are there to help both of them. Nobody is going to—I’m not going to favor one.

I’m not going to favor another, that both of them need to be able to have any [goal feeding 02:44] in the process.

And so it begins with the phone call. And then when both there allowed,I think it sets their mind at ease that there’s not going to be one that take control and make this agreement in their favor.

Tim: Got you! So I mean like in my business normally one party will call. They’ll initiate the contact with like if they will call for mediation.

And what do you normally tell them to ensure that there’s that trust factor and there’s no domination?

It is like, ‘Hey, let’s have a consultation in person or over the phone maybe conference call or both parties are on the phone.’

Lisa: Right.

Tim: Is that what you do?

Lisa: Initially, I ask them if they would like me to contact the other person.

My preference is to have the other person make the initial contact with me. Because that lets me know that they are on board that they have spoken to their spouse, if they have discussed the process.

And that person is then calling me.

Tim: Like freely willingly…

Lisa: Exactly! And that’s a difficult thing because they’re already in a difficult position with each other.

Communication was broken down a lot of times.

Tim: Right.

Lisa: So I’m trying to convince the other person that this is a good thing. It may push them away from that process.

Tim: Do you find that the one spouse or the other like man versus woman is more or less likely to use mediation?

Lisa: That’s a good question. Women initially are more drawn to the process.

It sounds like it’s something that they enjoy because they were able to kind of express themselves.

Tim: Yes.

Lisa: And have a safe place to do so. But I have had men called saying that they think that mediation will be best for them and their spouse.

And but they’re allowing their spouse, their wife to choose or their partner to choose the mediator.

Tim: Got you!

Lisa: So they’re making the calls but they want the wife or their partner to be able to make that call and to finalize the choice.

Does Divorce Mediator Decide What’s Fair

Tim: Yes. The myth was in mediation the mediator decides what’s fair.

Have you ever had that as a concern, so, I post the does the divorce mediator decide what’s fair during divorce mediation?

Lisa: You know what absolutely not! We do not make any of the decisions.

And a really good mediator will remember that from the beginning until the end. Our job is to ask really good questions, lots and lots of questions.

So if you see something happening and see like maybe the balance, the power is tipping a bit without jumping in and rescuing the other party and it could be either party.

It could be the wife taking control and having…

Tim: Sure.

Lisa: …and manipulating and then or it could be not it could be either way.

If you see that balance that power tipping that’s when you start asking the questions. You want to give them the reality check.

You want to say, ‘So what do you think what happen if you decided to do that or what do you think would happen if you make sure this didn’t happen on the side?’
Tim: Alright.

Lisa: This is their process. They need to know that they are in control.

And a lot of people don’t like to take that responsibility. They want to say, ‘Just tell me what to do.’ or ‘What do you think?’ or ‘What do you think what we should do?’

Tim: Right. You get that happened quite a bit?

Lisa: A lot.

Tim: Oh, it must be tough!

Lisa: Because they just want to know like attorneys, they’ll be happy to tell you what they think you should do.

Tim: Right.

Lisa: They’re used to it. And a judge they’ll tell you what you should do. And a lot of people that safer they want to know.

I’m not sure what do you think and it just turn it right back to you.

Tim: So it turned out as a question.

Lisa: And the better the questions, the more powerful the questions, the more quality and quantity of questions then they start coming to the answers themselves.

And that is where it needs to come from.

Tim: That’s kind of goes back to that. It’s the parents being more of a hassle.

It’s just like don’t ask me just tell me.

Lisa: I don’t want to make these decisions. This is too hard. Just tell me what you think I should do.

Tim: Yes.

Lisa: This is not my process. I don’t tell you. I don’t come up with the agreement.

I don’t decide what’s fair. This is your family.

Tim: Okay.

Does Divorce Mediation Make The Divorce Take Longer

Tim: Okay, the next myth. Mediation makes the Divorce take longer.

So does Divorce Mediation make the Divorce take longer?

Lisa: No. If anything it’s a lot shorter. It’s a lot quicker. I think we’ve discussed in other topics about the litigation.

Tim: Right.

Lisa: And the attorneys and the court dates can drag on for months, sometimes years just trying to get in to see the judge, just trying to get the paperwork filed, getting their spouse to respond.

Mediation in three sessions, you know, if you want to spread them out in two months, we could have it finished from beginning to end.

And with what your company does, you take that agreement and you file it.

And, yes, there is six months period of waiting. The cool off period of whatever…

Tim: Right.

Lisa: …from the time you file until it’s settled. But you can easily get it done within the six months if not quicker but then you still need to wait for that six months period to be done.

Tim: Yes, what we do normally is we’ll get the case filed for them. Get them served. And that service date is the date the date starts.

And with the cooling process taking six months, we’re like often times if we can get the agreements done within the few months get it submitted to the court way ahead of time.

You don’t have to wait up to six months to submit the agreements.

Lisa: Right.

Tim: In the perfect world that would work if you could walk up to the judge and six months after service and say, ‘Sign my agreement.’

Lisa: Yes.

Tim: But there’s two to three months waiting period just because the court is so busy.

Lisa: Exactly!

Tim: So if they file their paperwork and they get that all in one by getting served and starting the clock on everything, get the financial disclosures completely, they can almost immediately start mediation even the same week.

Lisa: Yes.

Tim: And get those whatever issues they have addressed. Come up with the understanding an agreement.

And those come back to us. They end up in the judgment. Get submitted within a month or two of the whole process starting.

Lisa: Yes.

Tim: And so it’s actually much quicker.

Lisa: It’s much quicker…

Tim: …to do mediation.

Lisa: And then you can…

Tim: If you need help coming of those types of agreements.

Lisa: Exactly! And I think that once you make those agreements and you go through a mediation process and then you use your company to get those filed with the court in a timely fashion, they can vence it back and start the healing process and move on.

In the litigation they’re limbo for months. And there’s no time to sit back and ‘Okay, what am I going to do next? What are my next steps?’

Tim: Right.

Lisa: And when they get those mediation agreements in place and everything filed….

Tim: Then it’s done.

Lisa: …then they can say, ‘Okay, what is next in our life? What can we do with our children now? What and can I start looking for with any person in our life? Is there something we can do as co-parents starting now even though the six months period isn’t out?’

And in mediation allows that to happen quicker?

Tim: And in comparison to litigation or even using attorneys.

Lisa: Yes.

Tim: Even if they’re not going to litigate?

Lisa: Right.

Tim: Even if they just want to have an attorney address their needs and they’re going to eventually, broke their deal for each of them.

That takes longer simply because with the process work and I worked in the law firm for a couple of years is they’ll write a letter to their attorney…

The attorney will talk to their client. They’ll write a letter two weeks later with the response.

And it just really goes long.

Lisa: And it’s from the attorneys’ time table not the clients’ time table.

Tim: Oh yeah!

Lisa: When the attorney gets to it, when the attorney sends the letter, when the attorney has time to respond.

In Mediation, you come in when you have a chance. You come in on your time table. We get this done on your time table.

Tim: Right. So yes, so, it is sky is the limit if it’s litigation. I mean it could be years with the same cases for years for litigation.

Lisa: Yes.

Tim: So mediation is definitely better.

Lisa: Yes.

Tim: Time wise…

Lisa: Much quicker.

Tim: …when going…

Do Divorce Lawyers Understand Divorce Mediation

Tim: The myth was all Divorce lawyers understand and support mediation. That was the myth, specifically.

So I turned this into, do divorce lawyers understand Divorce Mediation? And we can answer that in a couple different ways.

Lisa: No, I don’t think they understand the pure process of mediation. They just have had a different training and different mindset.

A lot of attorneys, a lot I think I’ve mentioned before have gone through the mediation training in order to retain more clients.

And they understand that this is something that is becoming more popular and people are actually looking towards.

Tim: Yes.

And so they’ve decided to like incorporate that into their businesses. I don’t think they really understand the benefits of the pure mediation process.

And a lot of them aren’t able to do it without switching over to their litigation mindset.

Tim: So that’s why we talked about that before. It’s kind of just a mindset is different.

Lisa: It is. And the training and you have to have a certain type of personality, even make it to Law School.

That alone and become an attorney and pass the bar and practice. It’s adversarial. It’s competitive.

It’s win-loose. It’s get the leg up. Mediation is exact opposite.

Tim: Right.

Lisa: And they have the hard time understanding that the process should be completely opposite from what to do with their litigation clients.

So I don’t think they understand it completely. They’re able to do it. They have their certification.

They have their training. They understand that they can’t represent one or the other after mediation but as far as pure process and the communicative part of it, I don’t think they really understand that part of it.

Tim: Okay. And we talked about that quite a bit before. So a big difference between an attorney mediator and a paid non-attorney mediator through the mindset of the mediator…

Lisa: Just a different perspective. It’s a different way of seeing the end result.

Tim: Right. And I thought one of my questions were how to choose a Divorce Mediator. See if I have that on here anywhere.

Well, that’s it. It’s certainly something that they should consider…

Lisa: Yes.

Tim: …when choosing a Divorce Mediator is they want attorney mediator, they want a non-attorney mediator…

Lisa: And it will be a completely different experience either way. I think you will be able to get somewhat of the result you are looking for.

And it will be a little bit quicker and that will be cheaper if you go mediation route.

If you would like to get away from that adversarial, aggressive, competitive process, then I will recommend a different perspective coming from a different mindset.

A non-attorney mediator would be your best bet.

Tim: And cost like to?

Lisa: A lot cheaper.

Tim: A lot cheaper for your mediation service than because when you pay mediation from attorney you’re paying their…

Lisa: You’re paying all the stuff that goes in with their firm and everything that they’re involved in.

Tim: Yes.

Lisa: So…

Tim: There’s lot of little hidden fees.

 

 

California Divorce Videos On Divorce661.TV

Tim: …website Divorce661.TV. Now, everything at a separate channel just for if you want to watch videos.

Lisa: Okay.

Tim: So on my Divorce661.com they could watch on the video tab but this is literally everything over 500 videos now.

So you can go right to Divorce661.TV and they could watch…

Lisa: And find the topic they want.

Tim: The topic they want…

Lisa: Great.

Tim: …or the most recent topic. This was where the last ones that I did. But it’s, yes, they can subscribe to the YouTube channel right from one’s pretty need.

Lisa: That’s great.

Tim: So yes, alright.

Lisa: Okay, good.

Tim: We’ll talk to you next time. Thanks for tuning in.

Lisa: Alright.

Why Life Insurance Should Be Part Of Your Divorce With Todd Stelnick

Tim: Hi, this is Tim Blankenship with Divorce661.com. Today, we’re speaking with Todd Stelnick with LBW Insurance and Financial Services.

And today, we’re talking a little bit about Divorce and Life Insurance and how the two kind of interplay together.

As why we have Todd, on video today because he brought up an interesting point of insurance should be possibly something you should consider when going through a Divorce.

Before we get in to that Todd, maybe you could just tell us a little bit about your company here in Valencia and get some interesting facts and if it’s a family and business and what not.

So if you wouldn’t mind sharing that with folks. And give them a little background about the company and maybe yourself.

Todd: Yes, we’re a family owned business since 1922, full lines of insurance.

We do anywhere from life insurance, long term care disability, group health care benefits, individual health care benefits to commercial business insurance, personal loans, home and auto and earthquake insurance and also financial services.

What I specialize in is controlling individual’s risk and by implementing a life insurance or a long term care or disability to protect individuals for all different circumstances.

Tim: So you guys pretty much do everything. Is there anything you guys don’t do insurance wise?

Todd: No, that’s everything we do right now.

Tim: Pretty much everything?

Todd: Pretty much everything.

Tim: Okay. So when it comes to Divorce, we’re talking about issues let’s say, if there’s spousal support being paid or child support being paid there should be some consideration as to looking in to protecting the spouse who is receiving spousal support or child support.

Is that correct?

Todd: That is correct. Nowadays, most judges and attorneys are recommending a life insurance for the spouse that is really the breadwinner that more of the financial aspect behind the family for the protection of the kids.

That’s the risk involve that if somebody stops paying a certain amount of money rather it’s child support or alimony where they’re going to get this money.

To fulfill that prescription, we fulfill it with a nice, easy life insurance policy.

Tim: So let’s run maybe a scenario. So let’s say husband work, wife didn’t work. We see that quite a bit.

There’s an order for spousal support or child support. Getting this, let’s talk about child support first.

What is that generally the recommendation for like a term policy? How would you calculate?

How much that would be in child support? How long would the term for? What do you see?

You said you’ve been writing some policies for some Divorce cases. What kind of terms and how are those decisions made?

Todd: So if you have a kid that an age 2-5 or a couple kids, you really want to do a term policy that would take you of just a little bit over when they reach the age of 18 years old, so, maybe 15 year or 20 year term policy if you have any of the kids that ages.

That way, if something happens to the husband, then the wife will get certain amount of money towards the kids.

And the kids would be beneficiaries or we would write policy where the beneficiary is the wife with a contract saying that this money is for the children cost.

And the term policy is really not expensive at all. You’re looking at anywhere from maybe about $500, $700 to outmost $2,000 per year annually.

It’s really a cost-effective way where if you’re paying over of course next 12-15 years for your kids, $200,000-$300,000, it’s a really easy way where if something happens God forbid and some unknown time that you’ll still be able to get that money until your kids reach the age of 18 years old.

Tim: Yes. So it sounds like it’s really important that if you have a spouse who is the solid income earner in the marriage and is now paying child support spousal support if they die without insurance policy essentially this spouse who wasn’t working and who was receiving support will literally, the money will stop coming in all together.

And that is why this is so important.

Todd: Correct. Because what we want to make sure, these families out there don’t change their lifestyle.

And we want them to continue with their lifestyle or continue to have their lifestyle going.

So we don’t want their kids that are playing sports do not play sports because they don’t have the money to play or take extra tutoring classes for education.

We want to make sure that they have the money to make sure that they’re still doing the same lifestyle that they’re doing just as if that individual is still living.

Tim: Okay. Could you give us an idea of how you would calculate support or should I say like a term policy.

How do they’re going to know how much of the policy they should buy?

Todd: So if somebody is paying a child support of $1,000 per month and their kid at the age of 8 years old, they would at least they need to cover at least 10 years.

I always say let’s cover 10 years or a couple little more, so, in just times just to be easy Math $12,000 by 10 gives you a $120,000 that kind of benefit which is what we would want to cover.

You would probably put in a total of course of 10 years if you don’t use it.

Maybe about $20,000-$30,000 at most, and if God forbid if something happens, then the children would end up getting a $120,000, so, that’s how that kind of work for everybody.

Tim: Okay. So I think that was some great information if you’re going through Divorce to keep that in mind.

You can give Todd a call. Can you let folks know how they can get a hold of you?

Todd: Yes, you can get a hold of me. My email address is [todds@lbwinsurance.com 06:47] or you can call me at 661-702-6009.

Tim: So make sure you give Todd a call if you are going through a Divorce.

You can get some coach from him. It’ll probably cost you not much at all to cover your children and make sure they’re taken care of, so,  if something unfortunately happen to you while you’re paying either spousal support of child support.

This is Tim Blankenship with Divorce661.com. Thanks for tuning in. And we’ll talk to you soon.

Do Divorce Lawyers Understand Divorce Mediation?

Tim: The myth was all Divorce lawyers understand and support Mediation. That was the myth specifically.

So I turned this into, do divorce lawyers understand Divorce Mediation? And we can answer that in a couple different ways.

Lisa: No, I don’t think they understand the pure process of mediation. They just have had a different training and different mindset.

A lot of attorneys, a lot I think I’ve mentioned before have gone through the mediation training in order to retain more clients.

And they understand that this is something that is becoming more popular and people are actually looking towards.

Tim: Yes.

And so they’ve decided to like incorporate that into their businesses. I don’t think they really understand the benefits of the pure mediation process.

And a lot of them aren’t able to do it without switching over to their litigation mindset.

Tim: So that’s why we talked about that before. It’s kind of just a mindset is different.

Lisa: It is. And the training and you have to have a certain type of personality, even make it to Law School.

That alone and become an attorney and pass the bar and practice. It’s adversarial. It’s competitive.

It’s win-loose. It’s get the leg up. Mediation is exact opposite.

Tim: Right.

Lisa: And they have the hard time understanding that the process should be completely opposite from what to do with their litigation clients.

So I don’t think they understand it completely. They’re able to do it. They have their certification.

They have their training. They understand that they can’t represent one or the other after mediation but as far as pure process and the communicative part of it, I don’t think they really understand that part of it.

Tim: Okay. And we talked about that quite a bit before. So a big difference between an attorney mediator and a paid non-attorney mediator through the mindset of the mediator…

Lisa: Just a different perspective. It’s a different way of seeing the end result.

Tim: Right. And I thought one of my questions were how to choose a Divorce Mediator. See if I have that on here anywhere.

Well, that’s it. It’s certainly something that they should consider…

Lisa: Yes.

Tim: …when choosing a Divorce Mediator is they want attorney mediator, they want a non-attorney mediator…

Lisa: And it will be a completely different experience either way. I think you will be able to get somewhat of the result you are looking for.

And it will be a little bit quicker and that will be cheaper if you go mediation route.

If you would like to get away from that adversarial, aggressive, competitive process, then I will recommend a different perspective coming from a different mindset.

A non-attorney mediator would be your best bet.

Tim: And cost like to?

Lisa: A lot cheaper.

Tim: A lot cheaper for your mediation service than because when you pay mediation from attorney you’re paying their…

Lisa: You’re paying all the stuff that goes in with their firm and everything that they’re involved in.

Tim: Yes.

Lisa: So…

Tim: There’s lot of little hidden fees.

Divorce Mediation Is Not For Everyone

Tim: Oh, I like this one.

Lisa: Okay.

Tim: So the myth was mediation is always the best option for every divorcing couple.

So is Divorce Mediation is the best option for everyone?

Lisa: No. In my earlier days and when I was training and going to school, I just thought this is the answer to world peace.

And everybody should just sit down and if you’re a good enough mediator, you can get an agreement out of anybody.

That is not the case. Now there are issues especially in Divorce that you do not want to mediate. You shouldn’t mediate.

It’s not appropriate for mediation. It’s something and that’s why the courts are there and that’s why good attorneys are there and that’s why the judge is there to protect people from these kinds of things.

And that’s domestic violence and any kind of child abuse going on and any kind of serious criminally activity with money on either side.

Those kinds of things cannot be mediated.

Tim: Right.

Lisa: And that is when you have to ask those really good questions on the intake and you find out what’s going on both sides.

And usually after the initial consultation, you can know whether if you can move forward with this.

Tim: And what issues there are maybe.

Lisa: Exactly! And you need find and you need to make sure that they are honest with you.

Tim: Yes.

Lisa: Because a lot of times they just sort of, ‘Let’s just do this. Can we just do mediation?’

And we need to be able to ask the hard questions and find out what’s going on. And that’s not, unfortunately, there are things that cannot be mediated.

They need the law. The need the courts. They need that whole system on their side.

Tim: And you need to have obviously a high level of honesty and integrity.

I mean especially when it comes to like discussing assets and income and things in that nature.

Lisa: Right.

Tim: You need to be open and honest. I mean mediation doesn’t work if you’re trying to hide something.

Lisa: No.

Tim: …nor saying something doesn’t exist when it does. I mean that’s just not going to work.

Lisa: And I think maybe it’s because I do come from a different background, from a background of Psychology, we kind of get a feeling to people.

And you get those red flags and you think, you know, what, this probably is not the best option, especially if it’s the other party that’s going to be damage.

Tim: So you’ve had cases that you started mediation…

Lisa: And you have to terminate it.

Tim: …where you got to a point where you’re like. . .

Lisa: You have to terminate it.

Tim: ‘…this is not going to happen.’

Lisa: When certain things are disclosed, you have to say, ‘You know, what this is not the best arena for this. This is not the best option for you. And I really recommend that you go find separate attorneys and deal with these issues.’

Tim: Okay.

Lisa: Now you can come back and do a parenting plan if that’s something you want to work out.

But particular issues need to be taken care within the court system.

Tim: Yes. And we talk a lot about saving money and doing your Divorce with the company like ours or using mediation and have attorneys but there are just times when there are needs for attorneys.

Lisa: Right.

Tim: The only thing I try and get across people is that, it’s not and this shouldn’t be your first option. I mean some case you’re just going to need an attorney.

Lisa: Right.

Tim: There’s no choice about it.

Lisa: Right.

Tim: But for 95% of population is that with our services combined, our service alone, your service alone, they can get through this for a lot more cost effective and less emotional drain.

Well, maybe more emotional drain, it depends on how the mediation goes.

Lisa: Exactly! But the end result you come out healthier, happier, more saying with a lot more money than if you would have decided to drag it on to court and enables to heal and serve that healing process quicker.

Tim: Yes. Okay, good. Any other myths that you have like of common questions…

Lisa: You know those are all I mean…

Tim: …are those pretty good?

Lisa: I had pretty much covered all of them. And there are things that I hear all the time. People are saying especially the wimpy one.

Tim: Really? I wasn’t even going to address that one. Is there anything about them?

Lisa: Because some men are just and a few times women are like, ‘Really? I already have a therapist.

Tim: Yes.

Lisa: I don’t want to sit and cry with my ex-husband. We’ve done this forever.

Tim: Yes.

Lisa: But this is I just want to tell them over and over that this, ‘If you want to be in control of this process, you want to be in control of what happens with your kids, and your money, and your health, then this is the process that is worth giving a try. You need to try this process. It saves everybody a lot of grief.’

Tim: Well, yes, it’s definitely good. It’s a good process, tough process but good results.

Lisa: Yes.

Tim: …and worth it.

Lisa: And in the end it’s worth it for sure.

Tim: Yes.

Divorce Mediator & Attorney | Can You Use Both?

Tim: Okay.

Lisa: Your question?

Tim: Yes. So the myth was there’s no place for lawyers in mediation. And so if you use mediation, can you still have a lawyer?

That’s how I rephrase the question.

Lisa: Yes. So I am a non-attorney mediator. There are many attorney mediators out there.

But unfortunately, if they’re attorney mediators and they have their mediator had on they cannot give legal advice to their clients.

Tim: Right.

Lisa: But they do have the resources within their firm to have outside counsel or to have different kinds of referrals and those kinds of things within their firm.

Now as a non-attorney mediator, I really do suggest that they at least have a consultation each of them with an attorney in order to ask those legal questions that I cannot provide the answers for.

Even if I knew the answers, I’m not allowed to give them those kinds of advice.

Tim: Right.

Lisa: So yes, now as far as the mediation process, I know some mediators don’t mind having their attorneys in the room with them during the process and especially if they’re attorney mediators.

They know how the lingo works. They know how to handle them.

Personally, consult with your attorney. Call your attorney. Ask questions as much as you want.

Take your agreement to your attorney if you feel like that’s something that you would like them to review before you sign it.

But I don’t have the attorneys present during the mediation processes itself.

Tim: What’s the best way to involve the attorney?

Would you recommend that they or maybe it’s all of the above, maybe do they say, before they come to mediation go and ask legal questions to an attorney or your attorney so you can come in with the legal foundation?

Educationally, you can make informed decisions or do they go to an attorney during the process of things come up or after they have mediated and we’ve put that down on paper with the agreements.

Lisa: All of the above.

Tim: And any of those times would be…

Lisa: Yes.

Tim: …fine times to take it and…

Lisa: Yes, there’s never a time I’m going to say, ‘Ops, you’re not allowed to go to an attorney after this point.’

Tim: Right.

Lisa: So I want them to feel like they have that options that are able to retain control of the process that they are in charge.

They’re at the wheel of this mediation agreement. But again, like I said, so much more can happen and that feeling of being in control is easier to have when the attorneys aren’t present during the actual mediation when we’re talking and agreeing and asking the questions in going back and forth.

That the attorneys are always I will send whatever you want me to send you to your attorney.

I send out letters and summary letters after each mediation session to remind you what we talked about, what we agreed on and those can also go to your attorney if you feel like that you want them to look at those as well.

So yes, they are allowed to be the entire way. Before you come in, during the process, after the agreement is finished and you need to have that representation, so, you feel like you’re making the best decision as you can.

Tim: So what happens if the parties come in, they mediate, they come to an agreement, they go after their individual attorneys to say, ‘Hey, this is my best interest.’ and attorney advises them otherwise.

Have you had that happened? And how did you…

Lisa: Yes. I have that happened. And the attorney called. And I was able to talk to them.

And let them know with the confidentiality agreement in place the parties gave me permission to let the attorneys know what we have come to agree.

And it was just one particular point that they were worried about. And after we had a conversation and I talked about the session itself, they understood that this is probably the best for the client.

Obviously, they go right to their logbooks and to the [stat chips 04:07].

Tim: Yes.

Lisa: And everything that’s in place and they want to protect their client. But they understood that this probably was the best for this particular situation.

Tim: Given the whole global this…

Lisa: Right.

Tim: …agreement.

Lisa: So I have had that enough very often. But I think that if an attorney is always, I’m willing to meet with them.

I always get permission from the parties first because of the confidentiality part of mediation.

But I find that most attorneys if they’re clients feel like they are happy with this and this is something they really feel good about, the attorneys going to be okay with that.

California Divorce Mediation – Are Women At A Disadvantage?

Tim: Let’s talk about the next myth. Are women at a disadvantage in mediation?

Kind of similar to the domination I guess. Well, I mean I guess that could go either way.

But are women at a disadvantage of mediation? The myth was women are at a disadvantage in mediation.

Lisa:  Definitely not. Again, when there is an opportunity for both to sit down and for the mediator facilitator to help with that communication aspect of it, to allow the woman to be able to say things that she wouldn’t be able to say with an attorney present or to say things definitely not alone without anybody because they’re just not speaking, they’re not communicating to the best way possible.

Women are at advantage. It’s advantageous for women to do mediation because they don’t feel like they’re at a vulnerable weaker position.

And if you’re a stay at home mom or a stay at home wife and you haven’t working haven’t been earning the money this is a situation where you can feel like you’re on more equal ground instead of having the husband with the high power attorney.

And then you’re kind of at lost and just kind of have to go with the flow and takes whatever he puts out.

Tim: So mediation more of bringing people to that even grounds.

Lisa:  Yes.

Tim: Where they can get through their situation, get through their divorce and come to agreement.

Lisa:  And learn how to communicate again.

Tim: Yes.

Lisa: It’s not therapy. But it is a place where you can learn communication skills enough to deal with especially with touchy subjects such as kids.

And what’s going to happen with them. And property and special things that you’ve shared but now you don’t want to share.

So it’s a place where all of that can be discussed and gone over without the conflict and the aggression and the aggressive attitudes.

Tim: So there’s no disadvantage on women?

Lisa: No.

Tim: It’s even playing field for both parties?

Lisa: Yes.

Tim: That’s more than…

Lisa: If anything women, they have an advantage.

Tim: How is that compared to something else?

Lisa: Especially litigation.

Tim: Alright.

Lisa: Especially litigation if they can afford an attorney or the husband has an attorney already.

And he’s the breadwinner which happens quite often especially in this valley where it’s a family oriented community and women are trying to stay home with their kids.

They don’t have the money to get the big time attorney to compete with the other one.

Tim: Okay, so, it’s not an advantage technically speaking in mediation? It’s an advantage financially, I guess?

Lisa: Right.

Tim: Because if someone watching this they may think ‘Oh, I don’t want my wife to manage—‘

Lisa: No! Oh yes, you’re right! Thank you for clarifying that.

So, yes, definitely, exactly no!

Nobody has the advantage except for the person who has the opportunity to come and put everything around and lay it out equally.

Tim: Got you.

Lisa: Yes.

Tim: So I have to say if I was the working spouse and I had all the money and close the accounts and did all those nasty things sometimes people do, mediation would be good because the spouse not working won’t have access with the money nor will be able to get…

Lisa: Right.

Tim: …their attorney to represent their interest and that sort of thing.

Lisa: Right.

Tim: Okay.